


Why Crowley's Tailor was Eaten

by Rasalahuge



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen, Lucifer's White Suit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 07:31:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2142459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rasalahuge/pseuds/Rasalahuge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer is planning dominion over the Earth so he needs to look the part. The first step to that is his vessel, the second... a good suit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Crowley's Tailor was Eaten

**Author's Note:**

> A very quick crack piece to prove I'm still alive even though my longer stories that are in the works are not coming along as quickly as I'd hoped.
> 
> Also because the idea wouldn't leave me alone.
> 
> Not beta'd and probably not all that funny. Still. I enjoyed it.

As far as bizarre meetings with demons go this one probably takes the cake. Even over that one time with the possessed toaster (well no not really but Sam likes to forget that one even happened).

The hunt was going as normal. A demon was terrorizing small American town in the middle of nowhere presumably as some small but necessary part of Lucifer’s convoluted Apocalypse plan. They drove in, interviewed witnesses, figured out who the demon was and went to confront him in the tailoring shop the poor mug he was possessing owned.

That’s when it started to get bizarre.

“Wonderful!” The demon said clapping his hands together, his eyes not even bothering to change from the solid black, “Right on time as well. I just got in the order. Come in, come in.” the demon hustled the two hunters in shoving Dean over to a sofa to one side while Sam was ushered, completely stunned, towards a stool, “My dear boy I can absolutely see why I was sent in. It’s an utter tragedy. I mean really, plaid?” The demon scrunched up his nose as he whipped out a tape measure, “But don’t worry darling boy I’ll take care of you,”

Sam didn’t even have the chance to react before the demon was tugging his arms out and wrapping the tape measure around his chest. Dean, finally overcoming his shock, started an exorcism only to have the demon tut at him loudly and send him flying backwards, smacking his head hard on the wall.

“Not now boy, can’t you see I’m busy? Lord Lucifer wants this done within the week I just don’t have time to take a vacation in Hell right now,” He paused in his speech and glanced over at the human, “Though you might think about petitioning your own sponsor to have your wardrobe updated,” He sniffed, unimpressed, “On the other side or not I can’t imagine Saint Michael going into battle dressed like _that_ ,”

“Wait?” Sam spluttered as Dean groaned unintelligibly, “What?”

“Don’t move my dear boy,” the demon ordered swatting him when he tried to take a step, “This will only take a minute." He wrapped the tape around the top of Sam's thigh next, dangerously close to where Sam never wanted a demon to go again.

It did in fact only take a minute. By the time Dean had picked himself up and shook off the effects of slamming his head against the wall the demon was tossing the tape measure to one side in order to write down the measurements he had taken.

“Right I think that’ll do it,” He nodded in satisfaction checking over the numbers and then glancing at the two hunters, “You can go now. Come back in five days so you can try it on before I notify Lord Lucifer,” With that the demon was hustling them out of the door and slamming it in their face.

“Uh…” Dean said intelligently staring at Sam.

“Yeah, let’s not even go there,” Sam informed him shortly.

The two brothers went back that night and exorcised the demon before he even spotted them. Although to be fair he was so busy carefully measuring out and cutting up white fabric that he probably wouldn’t have noticed if they barged in through the front door. They left the town and tried to forget it ever happened.

…

Their resolve lasted three weeks.

Then a parcel addressed to Sam Winchester was delivered to Bobby’s via the hunter network. Apparently a hunter had been given it by what he thought was another hunter and passed it on to another hunter who had better contacts; then _he_ passed it to someone who knew Bobby and so it had ended up at the yard. Given that the description the first hunter had given described Lucifer to a tee Bobby was rather reluctant to open it without the boys there.

The white suit that sat, perfectly pressed, inside the box was rather underwhelming. The note that came with it was just disturbing.

_My tailor was rather insistent that you try this on so he can make any necessary adjustments before it actually gets worn anywhere. I insisted that if it wasn’t perfect the first time then I’m clearly paying him too well. Then he mostly screamed but agreed in the end it was ready to gift to you. Do **try** not to stain it else I’ll have to find another tailor and Crowley has already taken all the best ones._

_L._

The suit was, quite frankly, the most gorgeous piece of clothing Sam had ever owned and he just knew if he tried it on it would fit like a second skin. Okay so Lucifer had sent it but Sam had problems finding clothes that fit his huge frame at the best of times without turning down an extremely expensive suit made just for him. Unfortunately Dean was looking at it as though it was Lucifer himself and Sam sighed. Well he could at least pretend he got to try it on.

The suit remained untouched in the box.

The box however was salted and burned in Bobby’s yard.

…

In other news Lucifer sent his demons to chase down Crowley, ostensibly for betraying him and giving the Winchester’s the Colt but really so that the Hell Hounds could eat the bastard’s tailor and drag his soul down to Hell. Lucifer decided this time he’d just keep the suit for later, after he beat Michael and laid waste to the Earth. He didn’t want to get blood on it after all.


End file.
